Bandages and Blogging

So i'm lying in my bed with my 'domesticated' cat wrapped around my arm, and i'm thinking about SL and my blog.  It occurs to me that i need to change my focus.  Less of the heart on sleeve stuff and a little more objective reporting.  More pictures, too.  Most importantly, my poor old Blog needs its sense of humour back! 

Being a caring sort of person, i plaster my Blog in bandages and coddle it a bit and point to all the crappy blogs out there typed up by people who can't write.   I tell my blog that people writing blogs are like fat women wearing leggings... in other words, just because they can doesn't mean they should (or that anyone wants to look at that ugly sh*t).  My Blog is one of the lucky ones!

I inform my Blog that i just created a simile nestled inside an extended metaphor.   I remind my Blog that i can do this stuff because i can write -- even write well on occasion.  At the same time i feel a tad shamefaced 'cos i'm not that confident and seldom blow my own trumpet.  On the rare occasions i do, it usually ends up awash with snot and tears -- the trumpet, that is.  :-)

So no more tearful, angsty posts wrung from the bleeding heart.  The heart will heal itself, eventually.  I give my Blog a spoonful of "pick yourself up" and tell it go visit my Flickr and bring back something useful instead.

I extract my arm from the feline embrace, and put on my typing fingers.

*****

Stay safe

I'm happy to report that my SL is finally free from ALL snakery and fakery.

We (that is to say, Squashy and i) are relieved to be canker free.  After months of suffering, the tumour (formerly the avatar known as Lascell Johin) has been completely excised.  It floats, mishapen and ugly, in a bucket of formaldehyde under my desk.   Its tentacle-like fronds are stained with my heart's blood, yet my heart beats stronger than ever.  Curiously, it has something almost resembling a face, with a lumpy nose like a dark, malformed potato.  It shall be returned, complete, to the person from whence it came -- like a bad karma.

I cannot control what it does next or how it will appear to its next victim.  I can only give fair warning:   Its charming facade is an illusion;  a chimera created to bedazzle and confuse, before it attaches itself parasitically to its latest conquest. 

Approach with caution or better still, not at all.

RL = Real Life / Real Love

On May 7th, my lovely RL partner and Real Love was taken before his time.  He was just 49. 

*****

I don't know if it's appropriate to blog this...  I don't know because i've never been through this before.  I can't even put down the words in a straightforward way in case it looks like attention seeking.    But i need to get this out.  

Perhaps someone will read this and take it as a wake-up call.  I don't know. 

Please don't do as i did for the past 18 months and make SL your entire world.  What if you were to lose the one thing of  any value to you in REAL LIFE?   What then?  Then where would you be?  

My partner in RL knew that i loved him because i told him everyday.   I'm glad that i did, and not just because of the things i was getting up to in SL.  :-(   For my part, i knew that i was his entire universe.  His love was unconditional and complete, and he never would've abandoned me.   Rather, he was taken and i miss him terribly.

I cannot for the life of me (and i do mean the *life* of me) understand why it should've been him and not me.   I'm not a religious person, but the only thing that makes sense is that he was taken because he was already "saved".  He wasn't a church goer, but he was the kindest, most christian man i've ever met -- and if that isn't enough, then i don't know what is.  I've yet to meet anyone in either life who could hold a candle to him. 

I'm not looking for sympathy.  And i certainly don't need / want attention from those who never cared about me in the first place.   I'm posting this because i was stupid and i let SL take over, and i shouldn't have.  Let my story stand as a warning to others.   Let me be the person you DON'T want to become.  Make your RL the thing that counts and never lose sight of the people and things that matter.

I love you, dear E, and i always have.  I got distracted for a while is all.

The only reason i'm holding it together right now is because you told me you'd never give up on me -- just so long as i don't give up on myself. 

Sleep sweetly, and wait for me.  I love you forever.

What have I got in my Handses?

When one door slams shut, almost slicing off the tips of your fingers in the process, you don't notice any other doors.  You're so busy nursing your bruised fingers and trying to kick in that one closed door that you almost fail to see the half dozen other doors quietly opening on either side. 

There's a complicated interplay of light and shadow on the tiled floor.  The merest whisper of a soft breeze tickles the nape of your neck.  There's a rustling as of thousands of young trees shaking their branches. 

Tentatively you approach the nearest open door and hesitate --  but only for a second.  Crossing the threshold, you take a deep breath; feel your lungs expand. Colour and light flood your retina.

And then you see it.  The thing that you thought you'd lost.  It's right there, sitting in the palm of your hand.  You can almost taste its citrus tang on your tongue.  You bite down hard, wantonly letting the juice run down your chin ...

♥

And, before you say it, the answer is NOT 'penis'.  Try again!

Seeing the Real "You" At Last

My friend C, who is blunt and to-the-point, told me to get over it.  'You DID NOT KNOW HIM', she said.

I was baffled.  How could i not know him?  We'd been together a year, known each other longer, and, as far as i knew, there were no secrets between us.  He knew me because i'd laid myself wide open: 

"This is me; this is who i am, these are my flaws.   It's not the best, but it's all i have".  

Anyone who knows me, knows me. Rightly or wrongly,  if i feel i want to say something, then i come right out and say it because i act and speak according to the moment i'm in, and the feelings and impulses that move me.  I've done and said many things that i'm ashamed of, and i'm not proud of very much.  As i've said, it's not the best, and i'm working on it.

In short, i know that he knew me.  I know we're not the same, none of us are, but how could i not have known him, too?

The denouement came when he revealed a side of himself that i didn't much care for.  Several sides, in fact.  People told me things that frankly bewildered me.  It was all so puzzling and strange.  The person i thought i knew would never have behaved in such a way.  He wasn't capable of it, i thought.  He didn't have it in him.  So i made excuse after excuse whilst trying to understand, unravel it.  I even tried to blame it on some secret IRL trouble or confusion; some deep mental -- not-to-say moral -- breakdown.  Obviously, the real "him" was hiding off in the shadows somewhere and would reappear after things calmed down. But that was okay.  I was patient; I would wait.

*laughs*

It's not the first foolish notion i've had in my virtual life and doubtless it won't be the last.  The situation got quite nasty and things were said, and that was the end of it.  The final end, if that makes sense. 

People describe break-ups as messy but this was the very guts and entrails spread out in the dirt for all to see.  I did the only sensible thing i could do:  I stopped believing.  The painful truth is that there was no "real him" waiting to slip back into what passes for his personality; There never was. He is a stranger.

My friend C was right.  I simply did not know him.   Worth keeping in mind when you fall for someone you meet on the Internets.

A little bit of history -- and what i would like

(I wrote this a couple of weeks back but left it on my hard drive.  Posting it now to keep up-to-date.  Go me!  I feel a blogging mood coming on).

*****

 A Little Bit of History -- and What I Would Like

Where's your imagination today?  Oh, that's right.  In your pants.

People who "play" SL purely as a sex game bore me to tears.  Never mind my brief foray into 'swinging', it gave me something to write about so i'm happy for that.  Otherwise, i like to make it clear that i have other interests inworld.  Often, i run up against the virtual equivalent of a blank stare. 

SL is a game to me in as much as RL is a game. The analogy can be extended as far as you like, but both have their winners and losers and everyone has a goal in mind, an idea of what we intend to 'win'.  To some it's succeeding in business.  To others, it might be the sexual favours of a pixel dolly (why pay for it when you can get it for nothing, right?)   IMO, regarding SL as a sex game and nothing more is as sad as it's possible to get.  I'd shed a tear for you, had i any left.  It's "your world; your imagination" -- but if yours can boast only some tawdry wank-fantasy, then it's a mean, shrivelled up little thing, and i don't mean Penis (at least, i choose not to comment).

I'll grant you that emoting sexual acts requires a little imagination, but it's in short supply amongst those who come here purely for 'teh sex',  and i speak from experience.  I've had more disappointing encounters than i've had non-delivered items from Marketplace and there've been plenty of those, too.  Most 'players' i've met can't emote worth a damn, and the few that can, know it and behave like arrogant assholes.  Then there's the other sort (more dangerous in my opinion) whose MO is to offer fake caresses and sweet words that go wayyy beyond the necessary.  It's false and it's misleading and it's asking for trouble.

My first SL encounter made no bones about the fact that he had an SL girlfriend (GF), but was extremely persistent. I was flattered and assumed that what he wanted was a mistress; a bit on the side. Being new and all, i was semi-okay with that. Wrong.  He and his girlfriend were swingers and she was "working away" IRL and unable to get online.   This would've been fair, had the whole 'swingers' thing not emerged until weeks after the event.  I was 4 weeks old when we met and had spent most of that time exploring the Grid and fixing up my avie.  I suppose i looked better than your average noob but that was the extent of my experience.  He was one of the first people who spoke to me in SL and the first to express an interest. For my part, i thought he was genuinely into me.

As time went on, he got a clue about my emoting skills, which came naturally and easily (i like to write, yes?)  He then decided that what he really wanted was to hang out at she-male clubs and have his ass reamed. In the absence of a handy she-male Domme, he seemed to feel that *I* might fit the bill. In other words, he knew that i could emote and ad-lib and be somewhat convincing.  He was very persuasive but, for some unaccountable reason, I baulked at the idea. How utterly, unspeakably mean of me!  It wasn't lack of confidence -- i knew that i could RP it if i wanted.  And it wasn't 'cos i felt squeamish; it's only pixel sex, after all, and i'm pretty broad-minded i like to think.   It was simply that he wasn't good enough and he didn't deserve me -- because, like so many sex tourists in SL, he only wanted what *he* wanted and i could just go hang.  Soon afterwards, i deleted and muted.   

The second guy was just unfortunate.  Annoyed over the first (see above) i went out determined to "pull" and i did.  I think it took me all of two seconds.  And the rest?  Too many to count.  Now that i'm single again, there could be many, many more. It'd be easy as punch.  Easier than losing at Zyngo.  But do i want the bother?   Just thinking about all those bad emotes and empty words and false hopes and weak connections makes my heart sink -- all the way down to my prim feet.

As you may know, I did have a partner for a year and thought we had a deep connection.  I guess i'd like the same again, only better. Much better.  Meaning someone who's willing to give just a little in return for the many and lurid (yes, i did say "lurid") benefits they're going to get. *grins*   How hard could it be?  I'll rephrase that.  How difficult can it get?

I don't have any answers.  I'm NOT going out looking.  I have other, better things to do as i've always maintained.

 I just wish it didn't feel so damn lonely.   

*****

Heartsick

So, here i am, back in the land of Epic Fails, my partnership dissolved like something organic dunked into a vat of acid; my heart ripped into a thousand pieces, bloody and torn (smiles wryly at my own high drama) and trodden into the carpet -- the one that does unflattering things to your prims when you stand on it.  You know the one i mean.  ;-)

Today is the day that i throw out that carpet.  I never liked it much, to begin with.

It's funny how all the bits of broken heart start jiggling around and drawing together like mercury drops, until eventually there's just this one fist-sized lump, all red and oozing and making a mess on the floor.  I scoop it up with shaking hands and --

I want to try, but how does one even begin to mend something so irrevocably broken?

And, why is it that when you give your heart to someone to look after, it never comes back to you in the same shape as when you gave it?