A little bit of history -- and what i would like

(I wrote this a couple of weeks back but left it on my hard drive.  Posting it now to keep up-to-date.  Go me!  I feel a blogging mood coming on).

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 A Little Bit of History -- and What I Would Like

Where's your imagination today?  Oh, that's right.  In your pants.

People who "play" SL purely as a sex game bore me to tears.  Never mind my brief foray into 'swinging', it gave me something to write about so i'm happy for that.  Otherwise, i like to make it clear that i have other interests inworld.  Often, i run up against the virtual equivalent of a blank stare. 

SL is a game to me in as much as RL is a game. The analogy can be extended as far as you like, but both have their winners and losers and everyone has a goal in mind, an idea of what we intend to 'win'.  To some it's succeeding in business.  To others, it might be the sexual favours of a pixel dolly (why pay for it when you can get it for nothing, right?)   IMO, regarding SL as a sex game and nothing more is as sad as it's possible to get.  I'd shed a tear for you, had i any left.  It's "your world; your imagination" -- but if yours can boast only some tawdry wank-fantasy, then it's a mean, shrivelled up little thing, and i don't mean Penis (at least, i choose not to comment).

I'll grant you that emoting sexual acts requires a little imagination, but it's in short supply amongst those who come here purely for 'teh sex',  and i speak from experience.  I've had more disappointing encounters than i've had non-delivered items from Marketplace and there've been plenty of those, too.  Most 'players' i've met can't emote worth a damn, and the few that can, know it and behave like arrogant assholes.  Then there's the other sort (more dangerous in my opinion) whose MO is to offer fake caresses and sweet words that go wayyy beyond the necessary.  It's false and it's misleading and it's asking for trouble.

My first SL encounter made no bones about the fact that he had an SL girlfriend (GF), but was extremely persistent. I was flattered and assumed that what he wanted was a mistress; a bit on the side. Being new and all, i was semi-okay with that. Wrong.  He and his girlfriend were swingers and she was "working away" IRL and unable to get online.   This would've been fair, had the whole 'swingers' thing not emerged until weeks after the event.  I was 4 weeks old when we met and had spent most of that time exploring the Grid and fixing up my avie.  I suppose i looked better than your average noob but that was the extent of my experience.  He was one of the first people who spoke to me in SL and the first to express an interest. For my part, i thought he was genuinely into me.

As time went on, he got a clue about my emoting skills, which came naturally and easily (i like to write, yes?)  He then decided that what he really wanted was to hang out at she-male clubs and have his ass reamed. In the absence of a handy she-male Domme, he seemed to feel that *I* might fit the bill. In other words, he knew that i could emote and ad-lib and be somewhat convincing.  He was very persuasive but, for some unaccountable reason, I baulked at the idea. How utterly, unspeakably mean of me!  It wasn't lack of confidence -- i knew that i could RP it if i wanted.  And it wasn't 'cos i felt squeamish; it's only pixel sex, after all, and i'm pretty broad-minded i like to think.   It was simply that he wasn't good enough and he didn't deserve me -- because, like so many sex tourists in SL, he only wanted what *he* wanted and i could just go hang.  Soon afterwards, i deleted and muted.   

The second guy was just unfortunate.  Annoyed over the first (see above) i went out determined to "pull" and i did.  I think it took me all of two seconds.  And the rest?  Too many to count.  Now that i'm single again, there could be many, many more. It'd be easy as punch.  Easier than losing at Zyngo.  But do i want the bother?   Just thinking about all those bad emotes and empty words and false hopes and weak connections makes my heart sink -- all the way down to my prim feet.

As you may know, I did have a partner for a year and thought we had a deep connection.  I guess i'd like the same again, only better. Much better.  Meaning someone who's willing to give just a little in return for the many and lurid (yes, i did say "lurid") benefits they're going to get. *grins*   How hard could it be?  I'll rephrase that.  How difficult can it get?

I don't have any answers.  I'm NOT going out looking.  I have other, better things to do as i've always maintained.

 I just wish it didn't feel so damn lonely.   

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Heartsick

So, here i am, back in the land of Epic Fails, my partnership dissolved like something organic dunked into a vat of acid; my heart ripped into a thousand pieces, bloody and torn (smiles wryly at my own high drama) and trodden into the carpet -- the one that does unflattering things to your prims when you stand on it.  You know the one i mean.  ;-)

Today is the day that i throw out that carpet.  I never liked it much, to begin with.

It's funny how all the bits of broken heart start jiggling around and drawing together like mercury drops, until eventually there's just this one fist-sized lump, all red and oozing and making a mess on the floor.  I scoop it up with shaking hands and --

I want to try, but how does one even begin to mend something so irrevocably broken?

And, why is it that when you give your heart to someone to look after, it never comes back to you in the same shape as when you gave it?

Take Care aka Don't Take Care

I was going to post this a few months back but for some reason, never did.  I post it now because all bar one of those partnerships are dissolved, about which i make no comment.  I'm not including my own here which is beyond astonishing and incredible and the most amazing thing ever to happen to me in SL.  I've been lucky.  :-))

*****

It's a fact that when i was single in SL i avoided those who were partnered.  It wasn't 'cos  i couldn't "get with" them and therefore didn't consider them worthy of my time (there are those who do act and feel that way).  It was more a case of them not having the time to be any sort of  friend or companion, so what was the point in getting to know them?  Partnered folks most like spending time with their partners.   Since then, i'm happy to say i've been proved wrong.  I've also been proved right.

When i got partnered i was determined not to become that partnered person with no time for their friends.  I'm not speaking of close friends, here.  Rather, it's the folks one used to spend time with / converse with, who themselves got partners!

The other day, i had the idea that i'd hit someone up so as not to break the contact. I hate for my 'friends list' to be just a list, so i thought i'd crack the incipient ice, and say "hi".  I knew immediately i was getting the brush off.  It was the, "i really don't wanna talk to you but i'll be grudgingly polite though without really saying anything" conversation, culminating in the meaningless "take care" closure which is often the clearest indication that they don't.

Yes, they were polite.  No, they weren't mean or horrid.  So what, exactly, is my problem?  Good question.  To be honest, it has a lot to do with me not having the thickest of skins.  But there are ways of giving someone the "brush off" that sound a little less offhand and a little more as though you might intend to talk to them again at some point.  And if you don't, then remove me from your list and i needn't concern myself further.   As i've indicated, i don't play the numbers game and i'd far rather have a list of actual contacts than a list of names who don't wish to talk to me.  'Cos you didn't and you don't and it was crystal clear, kthanxbai.

You see, i understand "busy" and i can totally go with, "now isn't a good time, i'm a little  tied up, i'll shout you later".  But that's not what i got. Whether it's a lack of social acumen, i'm not sure, but i can smell the vibe of boredom/uninterest from all the way across the Atlantic.  It's insulting.

Yes i know i have a thin skin.  It's roughly the thickness of an onion skin layer, and tears easily.  This is because the onion skin layer is taped across an enormous fissure which never heals.  Telling me to grow a thicker skin really isn't going to do a lot.  I can't decide to grow one of those any more than i can make my hair grow faster.  And it's really no-one's fault.  Well, no-one in Second Life, anyhow.

FWIW,  telling me to "TC" is worse still!  If you can't be bothered to type it, then you can't be bothered, full stop.  Yes, it matters.  To me, it matters.  The only time it doesn't is when you're one of my 4 or 5 closest, in which case you can pretty much say what you like. 

To the rest of you:  please don't brush me off with a "take care"or "TC".   If you can't give me the time of day, then delete and have done.  It's infinitely more honest.

postcards from another life

So, i started another blog centred around my SL snapshots.   As well as documenting aspects of my SL (like the time my partner and i went out in my speedboat and ended up almost buried under a ton of foliage), it's intended as an outlet for my imaginative side (yes, i have one).  

It's not a blog about SL photography about which i know little.  Rather, it's a blog about the symbiotic relationship between words and pictures, and how they each spark off the other. 

That, or it's a bunch of snapshots with captions attached. :-P 

Postcards From Another Life

Your Definition of "Drama" - Part Two

I was confident when i entered the virtual world that my RL had taught me the people and situations to avoid. That said,  i'd probably have blushed and thanked you had you told me that i had a nice ass by way of your opening line.  That's how cabbage-coloured i was.  Looking back, it's apparent that i did what i've always done in RL which is to give everyone the benefit of the doubt until they reveal their true colours -- at which point it's too late and i'm left with a hole in my heart. 

[Just to clarify, i had never sought a partner; i had never tried to rein anyone in or turn them into my "BF".  It took me many months before i finally got it:  I'm simply not suited to having multiple "friends with benefits".  Too many benefits, not enough friendship.   It's surely a term invented by men, for men, to describe a plentiful supply of sex without strings.  Kudos to the females who enjoy the arrangement or seek nothing more, or who are actively looking for same.  I actually thought that was me for a time]. 

I don't have any beef with the immersionists or those who are living a second life truly of the imagination.  If you're a male in Real Life and you want to present as female in SL -- or anything else you fancy, be it animal, vegetable or mineral -- it's entirely your right.  Your world; your imagination.  It's only a problem if the person you're "playing" opposite isn't on the same page.

I fully accept there are those who aren't immersionist or imaginative in any way beyond satisfying their own personal wank fantasies.  If that's the way you choose to play, you have my blessing.  Go forth and ,errr, have "fun" or whatever it is you call it in your profile.

What i don't accept are those who try to involve one in the same scenario under false pretences.  Fine, if fapping on your thing is what motivates your SL, but don't pretend it's not what you're here for.  And don't assume the person you just met knows the score.  Unless they're an obvious alt with "here for fun" all over their profile, better assume they don't.  This applies double if they're a couple months old with a bit of newb still in them (and i don't mean freenis, lol).

But seriously, guys, what's wrong with paying an escort?   Escorts are a viable commodity, and people can and do pay for the privilege of using one. Both parties are aware from the outset that it's a business contract.  There are set roles.  There are rules and boundaries.  If you can afford your internet connection and a PC on which to run SL you can shell out a few thousand L to hire an escort.

You might ask, but why shell out for something you can get for nothing?  That's a good point, IF you're 100% certain you're getting it for free.  If, on the other hand, you're generating drama (which is what you do when you're dishonest about your intentions and, btw, please don't even think about laying the blame elsewhere) then it's not "free" at all.   It costs the other person;  it costs you.  It's actually kind of expensive and not worth it.  Capiche?

Final word:

Any time i've dumped an assload of drama on someone's head (I'm reminded of that manure truck in Back to the Future Part One, lol) they pretty much deserved it.  At best, they handled a certain situation really badly.  Why would i just walk away and 'take it'?  I'm not here to turn the other cheek.  I daresay there are those who do, but i will not.  I say, be proud you're not an automaton and unleash your inner drama ho.

Your Definition of "Drama" - Part One

This post was going to be entitled Thoughts on SL Partnering - Part Three.  But then it turned into a rant instead.  I make no apologies for that.  There's nothing like uncorking a decent rant and getting it all out (there).  I suppose, too, i wanted to talk a bit about how my views had changed, or appeared to have changed.  Of course, it all depends on how well you know me.   To some, this will come as no surprise at all, and i call those people friends in the real sense and meaning of the word.  I know you know who you are.   <3

It's true that in 16 months i'd never partnered here, and doubted that i would.  I thought i was dead set against it.  I liked the idea of variety and talked about it a lot.  The idea.  But having an idea of something isn't the same as experiencing it.  What was supposed to add spice only gave me a severe case of irritable bowel.  Again, i'm fortunate that i had -- and have -- a few good friends worth any number of 'variety packs'. 

In short, i had multiple hook-ups and kidded myself  I was having "fun".  Oh, i tried really hard!   Unfortunately, I'm far from dead inside and I feel things.  FYI, the expression of such is not 'drama' and those who believe it is might like to be honest about their intentions from the get-go.

Eg:  "I regard my SL as a sex game / casual dating game.  What's your view on this, and how do YOU play?" 

Of course, the sh*ts never come right out and say it,  'cos they know it decimates the chances of them actually getting any.  They may be sh*ts but they're not stupid.  That's what makes them dangerous.  I call them predators.

Initially, I was flattered to be getting so much attention.  I've never had that in RL, being somewhat the shy and retiring type.  In Second Life, i am not.  It was a revelation.  I was even vain enough to think that it was my witty and erudite conversation that was drawing in the guys.  How green was i.  The only reason i was getting so much attention was due to the places i hung out and the type of people i ran up against.  TBH, any avatar with female 'humps' will likely draw the same attention;  it's practically guaranteed.  Add to this the fact that I'd never cyber-sexed before and didn't understand that the majority of my so-called 'admirers' were looking for a quick fap fap fap behind the anonymity of their keyboards, and nothing more.

There are guys in SL who, in order to seduce me (yes, the ME inside me) would give me to believe i was the most awesome creature imaginable.  To hear them talk, it wasn't just my avie;  it was my personality, my intellect;  it was this, it was that and the other.  They "never wanted to lose me", etc, etc.  They'd worm their way in, enjoy my company and warmth;  the benefit of my superior and well-crafted emotes (always freshly minted for the occasion, if i do say so myself).  Then would follow the denouement; the kick me in the teeth; the  SL equivalent of, "Oh, but i'm not that into you", should i demonstrate the barest hint of real, human feeling.  Inevitably, any protest on my part would be greeted with an accusation of 'drama', that ubiquitous 'get out of jail free' card.  How original!  How callous.  Funny how it's me who's in the wrong for - zomg! - taking it all so seriously.  Funny, 'cos from where i'm standing it wasn't me who was being disingenuous or outright dishonest.  

So, this is to you.  And not forgetting you. And i definitely haven't forgotten about YOU, either.    Yes, you may go and fuck yourselves, by all means. It's what you're here for, after all: You and your right hand and your miserable one-handed typing skills.  Just leave me the hell out of it, k?

We Do Not Fraternise With The Freenis

My friend, Xanthe,  asked me to write a notecard that she could give to some of the newb guys she's helping out.  My initial thought was 'rather her than me'.  Helping newbs is about as enjoyable as tooth extraction, only infinitely slower and the pain is more drawn out.  Note that i differentiate between 'newbs' and 'noobs'.  They don't become 'noobs' until they've made their first unwanted sexual advance, bobbing up, sans AO, in front of some unsuspecting female.   They don't seem to realise that they can IM from a distance but rather loom up in front of one like a sartorially challenged jack-in-the-box.  In short, they've all the social flare of your average dung beetle.

Xanthe knows everything there is to know about shape creation, and making your avatar look good  -- with one exception.  And this is where i come in.  'Cos if there's one thing i'm qualified to speak about it's the SL penis. I'm sure i could witter on for hours about the different varieties available and their various functions, but i'll keep it brief.  The following is for the gentlemen out there, as well as the not-so-gentle (equal footing, level playing field and all that).  Should you follow the advice below, it's guaranteed you'll look at least  halfway respectable in the tackle department;  I'll bring the sandwiches, you bring the rod.  Actually, let's not do that.  I have a partner to think of, you know.  ;-)

The following comprises the notecard i wrote for Xanthe's newb guys, and i hope it may be of use.

******

Male "Attachments" and Where to Purchase

Unless you've got your eyes sewn shut you'll have noticed that Linden Lab omitted a certain something when they created the default male avatar.   By design or accident, your newly rez'd friend lacks one essential piece of equipment.

As ludicrous as it sounds, you're going to have to BUY your own rod / wand / stick / insert coy euphemism here. Even if you don't see yourself using it straightaway, chances are that at some point you'll be looking to acquire one.  PLEASE, if you buy nothing else, DO purchase a quality "attachment".  The freebie ones simply aren't up to the job and they look ridiculous. .All women know a "freenis" when they see one and we scoff at them.  We're too polite to say anything, but we're masters of the secret smirk.  How else to conceal our disappointment?  Worse, we laugh at you for thinking you can get away with it.

To help you out, i've copied in a few useful landmarks  where you can pick up something that won't get you laughed out of the bedroom.  Not only do these attachments look somewhat realistic, they're scripted to do everything a real penis does.  You can re-size, re-position and re-colour to your heart's content.  Most - if not all - come with a hud to enable you to match the colour of your new toy to the rest of your skin. This is an absolute MUST -- an orange cock isn't going to get you very far, no matter how generous the proportions.   Get the colour right and you're halfway there.  Get the dimensions correct (i.e., proportionate to your frame and not hung like the proverbial horse) and success is practically guaranteed.  It only remains for you to get the girl.  :-)

The Landmarks:

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Virtual%20Artworks/86/167/24

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Midnight%20Lotus/138/62/27

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Qoltar/224/182/26

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/REALASM/170/171/432

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Eventide%20East/108/125/35

Final Word:

As with so much else in our wonderful Second Lives, there's an etiquette to using / wearing an attachment.  You shouldn't be wearing your cock anywhere other than on Adult rated land;  Mature land is generally considered OK if it's within the privacy of your own home.

Running around with an erection and "flashing" it at random females will make you look like the worst kind of noob.  Doing this on PG land will get you booted, as well as a possible AR. Don't do it.

Last but not least, DO have a wonderful, enjoyable and sexy SL.  I wish you the best of luck in your endeavours.  :-)