Seeing the Real "You" At Last

My friend C, who is blunt and to-the-point, told me to get over it.  'You DID NOT KNOW HIM', she said.

I was baffled.  How could i not know him?  We'd been together a year, known each other longer, and, as far as i knew, there were no secrets between us.  He knew me because i'd laid myself wide open: 

"This is me; this is who i am, these are my flaws.   It's not the best, but it's all i have".  

Anyone who knows me, knows me. Rightly or wrongly,  if i feel i want to say something, then i come right out and say it because i act and speak according to the moment i'm in, and the feelings and impulses that move me.  I've done and said many things that i'm ashamed of, and i'm not proud of very much.  As i've said, it's not the best, and i'm working on it.

In short, i know that he knew me.  I know we're not the same, none of us are, but how could i not have known him, too?

The denouement came when he revealed a side of himself that i didn't much care for.  Several sides, in fact.  People told me things that frankly bewildered me.  It was all so puzzling and strange.  The person i thought i knew would never have behaved in such a way.  He wasn't capable of it, i thought.  He didn't have it in him.  So i made excuse after excuse whilst trying to understand, unravel it.  I even tried to blame it on some secret IRL trouble or confusion; some deep mental -- not-to-say moral -- breakdown.  Obviously, the real "him" was hiding off in the shadows somewhere and would reappear after things calmed down. But that was okay.  I was patient; I would wait.

*laughs*

It's not the first foolish notion i've had in my virtual life and doubtless it won't be the last.  The situation got quite nasty and things were said, and that was the end of it.  The final end, if that makes sense. 

People describe break-ups as messy but this was the very guts and entrails spread out in the dirt for all to see.  I did the only sensible thing i could do:  I stopped believing.  The painful truth is that there was no "real him" waiting to slip back into what passes for his personality; There never was. He is a stranger.

My friend C was right.  I simply did not know him.   Worth keeping in mind when you fall for someone you meet on the Internets.

A little bit of history -- and what i would like

(I wrote this a couple of weeks back but left it on my hard drive.  Posting it now to keep up-to-date.  Go me!  I feel a blogging mood coming on).

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 A Little Bit of History -- and What I Would Like

Where's your imagination today?  Oh, that's right.  In your pants.

People who "play" SL purely as a sex game bore me to tears.  Never mind my brief foray into 'swinging', it gave me something to write about so i'm happy for that.  Otherwise, i like to make it clear that i have other interests inworld.  Often, i run up against the virtual equivalent of a blank stare. 

SL is a game to me in as much as RL is a game. The analogy can be extended as far as you like, but both have their winners and losers and everyone has a goal in mind, an idea of what we intend to 'win'.  To some it's succeeding in business.  To others, it might be the sexual favours of a pixel dolly (why pay for it when you can get it for nothing, right?)   IMO, regarding SL as a sex game and nothing more is as sad as it's possible to get.  I'd shed a tear for you, had i any left.  It's "your world; your imagination" -- but if yours can boast only some tawdry wank-fantasy, then it's a mean, shrivelled up little thing, and i don't mean Penis (at least, i choose not to comment).

I'll grant you that emoting sexual acts requires a little imagination, but it's in short supply amongst those who come here purely for 'teh sex',  and i speak from experience.  I've had more disappointing encounters than i've had non-delivered items from Marketplace and there've been plenty of those, too.  Most 'players' i've met can't emote worth a damn, and the few that can, know it and behave like arrogant assholes.  Then there's the other sort (more dangerous in my opinion) whose MO is to offer fake caresses and sweet words that go wayyy beyond the necessary.  It's false and it's misleading and it's asking for trouble.

My first SL encounter made no bones about the fact that he had an SL girlfriend (GF), but was extremely persistent. I was flattered and assumed that what he wanted was a mistress; a bit on the side. Being new and all, i was semi-okay with that. Wrong.  He and his girlfriend were swingers and she was "working away" IRL and unable to get online.   This would've been fair, had the whole 'swingers' thing not emerged until weeks after the event.  I was 4 weeks old when we met and had spent most of that time exploring the Grid and fixing up my avie.  I suppose i looked better than your average noob but that was the extent of my experience.  He was one of the first people who spoke to me in SL and the first to express an interest. For my part, i thought he was genuinely into me.

As time went on, he got a clue about my emoting skills, which came naturally and easily (i like to write, yes?)  He then decided that what he really wanted was to hang out at she-male clubs and have his ass reamed. In the absence of a handy she-male Domme, he seemed to feel that *I* might fit the bill. In other words, he knew that i could emote and ad-lib and be somewhat convincing.  He was very persuasive but, for some unaccountable reason, I baulked at the idea. How utterly, unspeakably mean of me!  It wasn't lack of confidence -- i knew that i could RP it if i wanted.  And it wasn't 'cos i felt squeamish; it's only pixel sex, after all, and i'm pretty broad-minded i like to think.   It was simply that he wasn't good enough and he didn't deserve me -- because, like so many sex tourists in SL, he only wanted what *he* wanted and i could just go hang.  Soon afterwards, i deleted and muted.   

The second guy was just unfortunate.  Annoyed over the first (see above) i went out determined to "pull" and i did.  I think it took me all of two seconds.  And the rest?  Too many to count.  Now that i'm single again, there could be many, many more. It'd be easy as punch.  Easier than losing at Zyngo.  But do i want the bother?   Just thinking about all those bad emotes and empty words and false hopes and weak connections makes my heart sink -- all the way down to my prim feet.

As you may know, I did have a partner for a year and thought we had a deep connection.  I guess i'd like the same again, only better. Much better.  Meaning someone who's willing to give just a little in return for the many and lurid (yes, i did say "lurid") benefits they're going to get. *grins*   How hard could it be?  I'll rephrase that.  How difficult can it get?

I don't have any answers.  I'm NOT going out looking.  I have other, better things to do as i've always maintained.

 I just wish it didn't feel so damn lonely.   

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