Sunday 26 December 2010

Advice for the Male Newb (aka 'Noob') in Second Life -- the Importance of 'Fixing up' Your Avatar

I don't know why you're here. I don't want to know, for the most part, unless we have interests in common. However, if you've come inworld to look for free sex - and i know a lot of you do -- you'd better at least look the part. We can talk about things like charm and personality and s.o.h. elsewhere, but if you're serious about enticing the opposite sex you need first to look at your avatar. This may come as news, but women also enjoy looking at something well put together.

Let's not mince words here. There’s something ludicrous – even off-putting – about newbs who haven't yet learned how to dress themselves trying to hook up for sex. If you're going to treat SL as a sex game, then learn how to play it with distinction. And the first step is for you to be wearing clothes that fit you and which are not - i cannot stress this enough - full perm. There's nothing in the rules to suggest you have to look halfway decent (in fact if you ever find a list of rules, please tell me) but, as in RL, if you turn up at a singles bar with your underwear outside your clothes you fail.

Designers are forever improving their work and bringing out new items to make you look good. Whatever you've got now, please consider upgrading it: skin, hair, eyes, AO. And not forgetting clothes if you actually own any (and i don't mean system clothes or that freebie t-shirt you retrieved from your "library"). Moreover, it's kind of creepy if you're seen wearing the same shirt and pants for months on end. You wouldn't do it in RL so please don't assume it goes un-noticed here. There's NO excuse for such laziness. Really, any woman will tell you the same; any woman who isn't a man, that is. Still wearing that same hair a friend gave you when you were a newb? I think it's time you got a restyle.

I can't tell you exactly what constitutes an attractive male shape as taste varies, but i do know that pushing any of the sliders up to the max isn't it. That triangular shaped torso you favour? We laugh at it. Females do it so much better! For one thing, they don't give off such a whiff of desperation. And the ones who do look a bit crap are very likely men. [You think we can't tell? The breasts are too large, they're joined together in the middle (it's called a cleavage layer; you're supposed to wear it with clothes, duh!), the waist is minute and the shoulders a mile wide. You guys really love your triangular shapes!]

When it comes to eyes, there's a pervading cult of "will this do-ism" which remains prevalent even amongst those on their 2nd or 3rd alt and who really should know better. Those soulless, opaque orbs really aren't helping you any. I shouldn't need to say it, but the eyes that came attached to your default avatar Will. Not. Do. Get your eye colour wrong and it messes up the entire face. Step past the turquoise eyes please; move along, move along. The same goes for that hideous shade of frogspawn green (the ruin of many a promising face). It just looks WRONG.

Ditto grotesquely over-sized genitalia. A LITTLE exaggeration's fine (we’d worry if you didn’t) but an elephant's trunk makes it look as though you're over-compensating. Moreover, it's not really fit for purpose, is it? **Female avie glances down and observes strange fleshy protruberance punching its way through her stomach** Not so much "Nine and a Half Weeks" as "Alien", i'd say.

DO consider using some sort of Animation Overrider (AO). The default stand is a no-no. It makes you look like a chimpanzee. Yes, we DO notice and it DOES matter. When i see that stance on any man, i move away pronto. I don't know what it's called, but there's a popular AO that has the guy wandering around in circles. That's not very polite, is it, when you're trying to engage a lady in conversation? Oh, and that nodding movement of the head every time you type a line? Every bit as horrid as the typing anim. Lose it.

The following are unacceptable under any circs:

Bling;

Body oil;

Goat legs (ask Squashy – it's been months and she's still tramumatised);

And not forgetting -- tadah! -- our old friend, the freenis. Most ladies do not fraternise with the freenis.

The freenis is pale, misshapen, oversized and protrudes at an exaggerated angle. It is inherently incapable of dangling companionably against a male thigh. It never ever matches the avatar's skin which is, for some reason, always a deep shade of tan. There are many varieties of freenis but the most offensive is possibly the "uncut" variant. Think of a sausage roll with the filling poking out. Trust me, it is VILE.

Squashy had several close encounters with the freenis. It only stopped when i advised her in no uncertain terms that if she ever did it again she'd be deleted, no questions asked. For example, on one occasion, the South Carolina 'ribbon' blithely told her in the middle of the non-event that was their coupling that, yes, he fully intended to replace his noobstick "but only when the time was right". Way to go, South Carolina! How sensitive! This is the same chap who, too mean to purchase his own sex furniture, used to spend much of his SL time "breaking and entering" in order to use other people's. I knew there was a reason for that security orb! *hurls him and his nasty noob cock into digital hyperspace*

Now, where was i?

Ah, yes. Fixing up one's avatar. It's not THAT difficult. And it's really the least you can do if you want to meet some 'nice' ladies and, uhm, take things further. Really, it needn't be expensive at all. I personally know several guys (at least i assume they're guys) with great looking avies who barely spent a penny on their look. In fact, all you need do is follow a few freebie blogs and join some groups; that way you get your hands on a ton of good quality free stuff. Trust me, designers give away great gifts ALL the time. (Only please don't spam the groups for sex; you'll be booted out quicker than you can say 'noobstick'). Do, however, avoid the huge boxes of free shite at those warehouse type places. That mountain of tat will still be there in a couple of years' time when you find your inventory running you instead of the other way round (yes, we know you guys can't manage inventory; that goes without saying).

If you're serious about finding someone to perch on a pink poseball for you, at least make youself look presentable. Without a modicum of effort on your part you're not getting any. And neither should you.

~

Sunday 31 October 2010

Courtship ♥

We’ve all seen them. Anyone who's ever visited a sim where avies go to meet other avies will have encountered them at one time or another. If you're a female you’ve probably been harassed by them, too. For instance, that guy with a hair-base in lieu of hair who keeps following you around and popping up in front of you like a jack-in-the-box? A prime example. Behold the staring eyes and dangling arms of the Noob! Watch what he does next: It's as predictable as a wet weekend in November.

Forever on the look-out for free pixel-sex, he approaches a female of the species and delivers his first killer line:

"Hi".

The female of the species, an 8 foot tall stick insect, resplendent in badly fitting prims and flashing footwear, smiles back at him with the aid of her 'smile attachment'. "Hello", she whispers.

Head nodding vigorously, Noob Male presses home his advantage. "How r u?"

The female smiles and her shoes twinkle invitingly. The male's chest medallion answers with a few sparkles of its own. A beautiful friendship is born.

Shielding his eyes from the overwhelming bling, the male noob attaches something approximating the size and shape of a gigantic uncooked sausage to his groin area. It's as long as his forearm and twice as thick. The colour is a sickly, candyfloss pink and contrasts interestingly with the rest of his muddy coloured skin.

Noob Male can't help but confuse Instant Message with Local Chat, and segments of 'conversation' are broadcast to the sim at large. Expect something like: "har har, you made me hard. I c u r a hottie" (translation: "I see you are a hottie").

If you’re particularly unlucky you might even get an announcement along the lines of, "O fuk I just cum" (no translation required). The faux pas is followed by an embarrassed silence which covers the entire sim like a cloud of shame.

After 5 minutes 'courtship', Noob Male disappears. Noob Female stands around blinging loudly for a moment before she, too, disappears, having received a TP offer from Noob Male inviting her to jump on the free poseballs he’s found. These are located on one of those sims where inferior genitals are sold – the kind that promise to "make your Second Life complete". The funny thing is, they just might; it's only virtual reality, when all's said and done. Ok, so it's got the word "reality" in it, but that's qualified by the word "virtual", right? Which seems to mean, "not really" or "not quite" in certain vocabs. Or even, "can't be arsed". And that means, by extension, that one can look like an utter sack of sh*te and still get teh pixel-sex, yes?

Actually, yes. Furthermore, "Wanna sit on my cock?" IS a successful chat-up line guaranteed to work on some women some of the time. (I've seen it happen, and seen it more than once). And, ultimately, what does it matter so long as they stick to their own kind, and don't try it on with me and mine? My avie will laugh in your face and her typist is only marginally more polite. Look, we're NOT going to sit on it and that's final.


noob footwear with obligatory 'bling'

Wouldn't it be great if ALL the noobs and perma-noobs were to climb atop each other, pyramid style, and remain like that for ever and ever? Every orifice plugged, every mouth stoppered; every nasty prim attachment snug and safe and out of sight (yeuch). A kind of permanent 'art installation' thingummy on a deserted island somewhere out in the Blake Sea, at which the rest of us can point and laugh.

There's one major problem here. The world requires a constant influx of Newbs to ensure its survival, and not all newbs are the same; it only seems that way to the somewhat jaded, as I probably am. There are newbs and there are noobs, and one should make an effort to distinguish between the two. Fortunately, it's easy: A newb is a person who is new. He has the potential to become anything he chooses. A noob, on the other hand, is so eager for pixel-sex he's out there looking for it before he's learned how to dress himself. He's as obvious as he is green.

We're constantly reading in resident profiles how, "SL is SL and RL is RL and yadder yadder yadder" but in some ways the virtual world is not so different. When you meet someone for the first time, so much hangs upon your initial presentation. In the absence of a confident, charismatic personality how else are you going to be judged in the first five seconds? Yes, it's unfair -- particularly if you're shy -- but it's always been that way, in either world. With this in mind, my next post is entitled: "Advice for the Male Newb" -- 'cos, let's be honest, it's the men who need it! **laughs** Enjoy! ♥

Wednesday 27 October 2010

This is What it Sounds Like

Hooray! My friend is visiting, having just returned from a sim called the Grubby Talk Lounge. He knows I'm writing a blog and 'cos I'm sometimes stuck for a topic, he's helping me out with a few ideas. Nice of him, isn't it? Albeit Squashy's been trying to get him onto a blue pose-ball for the best part of an hour, and if she keeps it up I swear I'll kick her ass.

Ahem. Let me show you what I have so far:

Upon teleporting, he was deposited in grassy area with a large arrow painted on the ground. He followed this for some distance until he came to a rickety bridge. Crossing the bridge, he suddenly found himself in the middle of what appeared to be the 'Talk Lounge, where he ...

"I want to go!" interrupts Squashy, breathlessly. "It sounds REALLY luxurious!"

I kick her in the shin, not caring if it leaves a bruise. "Shut up and don't be so stupid! It's not the Hilton Hotel; it's a smut place for goodness sake. A sh*tty little smut place".

Squashy rubs her leg and eyes me warily. I note a flicker of interest, quickly extinguished.

"Yes. And you can wipe that look off your face straightaway. You're not going and that's final".

I turn to my companion. "I'm sorry about this. She's just being rude because you won't sit on a pose-ball with her. Take no notice and with a bit of luck she'll get bored and go away". My recalcitrant avie continues to sulk like the stroppy little slut she is. My handsome friend (yes, he's handsome; why do you ask?) leans back on my (sex)bed and admires my decor. That's décor, not décolletage, Beeswing! I raise an eyebrow and she scowls back at me. I scribble a few lines on my pad, brow creased in concentration but not too much in case I look like a hag. (That will never do).

"I'd really like to hear about the Grubby Talk Lounge", I say, sucking the end of my pencil in a provocative manner. "I want to write a review for my blog. I haven't written anything in ages and I need something to write about." I glance at squashy and she sticks her tongue out at me.

"What the hell for?" she smirks. "No-one reads it anyway."

"That’s not the point”, I counter. "I write for myself and I don't give a toss whether anyone reads it or not. Anyway, I know a couple of people who do. Well--- one, anyway. Look, just STFU, will you?"

I toss my hair and turn back to my companion (he's handsome; did I forget to say that?)

"Well, I wouldn’t really describe it as a 'lounge' at all', says my friend. 'It's more of an open space with some scruffy old sun loungers and a few crappy chairs that you fall through the middle of as soon as you sit down. There's always lots of confused looking avies standing around as though they’re waiting for something to happen – only nothing ever does".

"'Gormless looking' is more like it", mutters Squashy from her hunched position on the 'female masturbation rug'. I make a mental note to throw the revolting thing out and replace it with a 'normal' rug as soon as possible. Why must she always show me up?

"So tell me about the ‘voices’ ", I say, assuming my sexy secretary posture, intelligent and enquiring.

"Yes, yes, tell us about the dirty voices!" interjects Squashy. I can see she's getting excited and it annoys me. If i don't do something about her she's going to become completely unmanageable.

My friend shrugs, as I boot Squashy’s pert little ass into digital limbo.

"Well, I could only hear *one* person speaking”, says my friend, “and that was the host. There were some off duty hosts -- or maybe they were working -- I couldn't really tell. It was like listening to a really annoying DJ on a bad 'talk radio' show, d'you know what I mean?”

"Yikes! Didn’t anyone else speak? I mean, I thought the whole point of that place was voice interaction? Sexy voice interaction?"

"Well, a few tried, but they got talked over by the hostess so they gave up. You'd have given up too, if you'd been there. She had a voice like a scalded cat ---"

I stare at him.

" …. with a helium balloon in its teeth. Erm. Where did you say Squashy went?"

"I didn’t." I retrieve my pencil from under the duvet and assume a mantle of brisk efficiency. "We were talking about the Talk Lounge, in case you’d forgotten. The Grubby Talk Lounge. You were saying that no-one seemed to join in?"

"Well, no. There were a couple of stupid games, sure, but no-one wanted to play them. Plus a couple of folks kept talking all over them and got kicked out. That was pretty funny, actually."

"It sounds a bit of a shambles if you ask me." I lean my head against his chest, catch hold of his arm and fold it around me. His fingers are a mere millimetre away from my breast and we both know it. The air between us is charged with possibility. He settles himself more comfortably on my (sex)bed and runs his fingers gently through my hair. I can’t help but compare my silky curls to Squashy's choppy, ginger mane and those (let's be honest about it) hideous freckles. My friend moves his hand a little and I wriggle a little and we collide somewhere in the middle, with my 'article' scrunched up between us like chip paper.

"Well, I didn't stay too long after that. Some guy was touching himself with his mic open, and I couldn't listen any more. It was gross".

"Hmmmm. You know, Squashy would've loved to have heard that guy jacking off. What do you think?"

My friend goes quiet for a moment. I can sense his brain working and it isn't located in his head. "Well, I could always chaperone her if you like; make sure she behaves herself."

I struggle free of his enfolding arm and entrap the end of his rather well-shaped nose between the top joints of my middle and index fingers, twisting just a little.

"So tell me: Were the hostesses really sexy?" I glare at him.

"Sure they were."

I twist harder. "Are you sure about that?"

"Yes! No! But not as sexy as you, though. Not even close!"

I let go of his nose, and snuggle in close. "I need a title and I don't have one. Something snappy and not too long. Any ideas?"

"Well, you could always call it, 'How not to run a voice lounge.' "

I lick his cheek. "That's not a title, that's a 'will this do?' And I don't want to get into trouble with those people. I want to say something positive if I can."

My friend studies me quietly. I decide to treat him to one of my 'specials' and begin inching my way down his body. Taking my time. Making it good. His fingers twist and tangle in my hair.

"Hey! What about your article?"

"Oh, SOD the article. I just wanted to get you here and USE you a bit. Have you got your SKYPE turned on?"

Yes, he did. And, yes, we did. And no, we didn't need to visit any 'voice lounge', either. :-P

I never did find out what happened to that article.

*****

Wednesday 13 October 2010

Dear Zosie! or "I Love My Alt"

"Anything she can do,
I can do better
I can do anything
Better than her

"No, you can't.
Yes, I can. No, you can't.
Yes, I can. No, you can't.
Yes, I can,
Yes, I can!"


Zosie is a fat slag with a massive ARSE.



love
Squashy
♥ ♥

Thoughts on SL Partnering - Part Two

Marriage in Second Life is a mystery to me. Partnering is a puzzle. I'll admit to feeling vaguely disappointed that no-one over asked, but it's a virtual disappointment; skin deep, at best. And if you knew me In-world you'd know that I change my skin on a regular basis. Funny how I can't do that in Real Life. Funny how the Virtual World isn't real. I hate to break it to you -- *whispers* -- but neither is your marriage.

There I've said it. Now I'm going to be blunt:

An SL marriage is a pale imitation of its first life cousin; a ghost of a marriage. I simply don't get it. It's not the fact that the cake's inedible; nor the inconvenience of the entire sim crashing at the *exact* moment when the bride turns to her betrothed and says, ' I do'. It's the desire to do "the married thing" itself that baffles me - that whole "RL is RL and SL is SL, and yes, I really am that stupid and determined to make my SL mimic RL as closely as possible" mindset.

Many of the SL blissfully married will insist they enjoy fulfilling relationships in RL as well, and blah blah blah, but I'm still not buying it. Why would you even bother if you had all that in RL? Why would you risk your perfect RL by being unfaithful in SL? 'Cos that's what you're doing, make no bones about it. Don't even try to pretend otherwise. I'm unfaithful, you're unfaithful, we're all unfaithful. That doesn't mean there's no justification or rationale for it; I know of plenty of SL affairs that keep the RL marriage ticking over, and that has be to be better for the children, right? (not including those fugly prim babies, don't even get me started on those. LMAO). The virtual arena provides countless outlets by which one can compensate for something IRL lacking and I, for one, am grateful.

So, we've established that your RL is less than ideal and you've chosen to find yourself a virtual mate. By all means you can choose to believe that your digital wedding is as valid as the real thing, but don't get mad if I smile indulgently at you. [It's what I do when I'm not carping in my blog. ;-)] I'm sorry if it offends you that I don't take your SL nuptials as seriously as you do.

A couple of weeks ago, my neighbour down the hill was intending to pop the question to his girl. Sadly, it all went 'tits up' as such things will. Squashy, being the generous and altruistic soul we know her to be, tried to cheer him up by persuading him to join a naturist club. They danced, chatted and flirted together quite happily, as naked as the day they were rez'd. It appeared that a delicious entanglement might ensue, of the friendly yet casual kind. As far as she was concerned, he was going to be within her SL for the 'forseeable'. A week or so later, and things had gone ominously quiet. A discrete 'cam' down the hill revealed him to be kneeling on the floor, bound and gagged, whilst his new partner whipped him into submissive shape.

I know I should feel pleased that he's happy again, but it all happened so gosh-darned quick! A week's worth of dogging around and he's back in the jug again - only this time it's with RLV in case he makes a strike for freedom. ALL communication with his erstwhile acquaintance has ceased. This is what happens when couples partner up - they drop their old friends like so much crumpled confetti.

Then there's the fact that SL partnering actually closes the door on any number of other meaningful connections that might be made. This is due to the fact that hubby and wife have effectively removed themselves from the "game". Let me put it to you as follows (cue leafy metaphor and purple prosiness) :

I'm alive and open (woot!) and just about anything might happen! I perceive within and around me the potential flowering of an infinite number of exciting possibilities; an extraordinary, multi-scented garden, with a million sunny glades just waiting to be discovered, and a thousand beguiling, shadowy nooks for me to explore. It doesn't matter if I tread on an occasional ants' nest or get my pixellated but perfectly-formed ass snagged on a thorn; it's a temporary blip. Can I help it if I want the whole garden and not just a single bloom? Why *shouldn't* I have it all?

SL marriages get old pretty fast. Inevitably, many will pretend otherwise by going down the old BDSM route (yawn) but, like the marriage itself, it's hardly a convincing substitute for its RL equivalent. Presumably its role is to alleviate the sexual boredom factor for ten minutes, which must be severe. I'd imagine that even the most devoted couples eventually tire of the same old poseball routines.

Surely within this extraordinary second life we might connect with more than just the one person? Shouldn't we at least try? Squashy and I enjoy variety and appreciate difference. We refuse to be boring and we're never ever bored.

FUCK SL PARTNERING!

Sunday 5 September 2010

what's the deal with SL profiles

Colour me peculiar, but I'm one of those apparent oddballs who enjoys reading a well-crafted profile. I must have looked at a few thousand all told, but it's rare to find one worth more than a cursory glance. Some are downright irritating; Most are just mind-numbingly dull. How many residents quote the same tired drivel and present it, moreover, in a tone which suggests they've produced something original, revelatory or profound -- as opposed to the oft repeated and trite meanderings of a gazillion others?

Perhaps i enjoy snooping profiles too much. Perhaps the more lack-lustre type of profile is endemic to the places I frequent and the type of people I run into. Or I'm just too demanding. Or I have impossible standards. It could be that others simply don't enjoy scribbling; I can see how writing one's profile might seem a bit of a chore and an unnecessary one at that.

I still think profiles are important. Secondary to your avatar, your profile is your initial presentation to the (virtual) world. It can say a little or lot -- it's up to you -- but it's your one chance to give something positive and interesting of yourself before anyone hits the IM button; a great opportunity to draw people in and encourage them to want to get to know you.

On the other hand, it could be you're here solely to explore and have no wish to interact ever, in which case long may you enjoy your self-imposed isolation and I hope you find much to entertain you.

You can find my list of annoying profile mess-ups below. It's not conclusive, it's horribly pedantic, it’s meant to be somewhat entertaining. I suspect that few of us are immune, even me (and I wrote the damn thing, lol). Any additions to the list are welcome, but please don’t feel you have to go in-world and look me up for the purpose of ripping into me. I'm not touting my profile as being uppermost amongst the great and the good, but it's still likely better than yours. :-)

1. The Blank Profile

I ignore blank profiles and the people who own them. Why would I not? I don't know what to say to you (yes, this is me, who's never stuck for words). Furthermore, if you IM me and I then discover your profile is blank (which will take me all of 5 seconds), I'm going to ask you why you haven't filled it in. I'm like that. :-P

2. The Almost Blank Profile

These are the ones that are permanently "under construction"; the ones containing a single "enigmatic" statement. For example, "If you come to a fork in the road, take it". I wish i'd kept walking.

This type of profile overlaps with:

3. The "Inspirational" Quote (or Well-Worn Homily) Profile

Irritating enough on a door-sized poster with polar bears on it; mind-numbingly un-inspirational when it appears within some bozo's profile picks. One to avoid.

4. The "I Loved Him But He Done Me Wrong (And I Hope He's Reading This, the Bastard)" Profile

This sort of profile is full of statements along the lines of, "my only mistake was loving you too much" and "why do only good people get hurt?" These profiles are rather sad and I don't mean that in a derisory way. Because if one thing's certain, it's that your ex really isn't stalking your profile like you hoped he would. He doesn't care. That's why he's a bastard, see?

5. The Song Lyric Profile

Pffffft. Okay, so I do have a little gem of a song lyric sandwiched shyly between a couple of disclaimers. It's a well-known song lyric which accompanies a snapshot. Lyric and snapshot go together perfectly. Snapshot was taken by me. What can I say, other than my exception proves the rule. :-P

6. The Gallery of Women You've Shagged Known Profile

The last time i saw someone with this kind of profile, he was gyrating naked in the middle of a popular naturist resort, his pale body attached to a dark tan penis of generous proportions. Why those women haven't yet clubbed together and bought him some decent tackle is a mystery.

7. The Threatening Profile

This profile hints loudly at some previous drama and is often couched in ghetto-ised language alongside a blurry SL snap of the profile owner's "bitch(s)". An example might read, "this is mah bioch. u mess with mah girl an i’ll kick yore ass & cutchoo".

8. The Arrogant or Boastful Profile

Perhaps it's just me but I've always hated trumpeting.  Hearing/seeing others trumpeting is always cringe-worthy. E.g., "I am the funniest person you will ever meet" or, "a lot of people ask me what it takes to get a space in my profile picks" (no smidgeon of irony, either – such a shame).

Okay, so perhaps I've got it all wrong and you really are all that, and good for you. I just think that a little modesty never hurt anyone. As to the "funniest person I will ever meet", how will you prove that? I don't believe you.

And while I'm on the subject, never refer to yourself as "cerebral" or "smart"; it sounds stupid and it makes you sound stupid. It's as if you're overly concerned that others won't notice how clever you are. In which case, could it be that your attributes are extremely well hidden? So well hidden as to be non-existent?

9. The Conversational Snippets Profile

I hate to break it to you, but those segments of "witty" conversation between you and your friend/lover, carefully copied and pasted into your profile picks are not moments of comedy genius. You are not SL's answer to Flanders and Allen/Derek and Clive/insert name of famous comedy duo here. You are NOT universally funny. Oh, and you really, REALLY had to be there.

10. The Newb Profile

Acceptable if you're less than 2 months old, but otherwise a big no-no. In other words, profile picks that comprise a ton of Zyngo sites are not terribly encouraging. It's ok to be new, but not perma-new.

11. The 'Some Old Bollocks Along the Lines of "RL is RL and SL is SL"' Profile

Take an extra black mark if you use that exact turn of phrase. Not only is it trite and unoriginal, it's also completely false. Of course there's an overlap. Of course they spill over into each other. How much or how little is up to you, but they're seldom 100% distinct. Without any bleed-over, your SL's going to be somewhat shallow (committed RP-ers are different, that goes without saying).

You're also assuming that anyone's interested in your pathetic little RL. Trust me, no-one wants to look at your RL picture; your avatar looks a hundred times better any day.

Ditto, any old bollocks along the lines of, "there are real people behind the avatars". Well, what did you think was making them move and speak? The gremlins in your monitor? The gremlins inside your brain-space, more like. Numbskull!

12. The Illiterate Profile

I'll let you off confusing "your" and "you're". But only 'cos it's so common an error, it's actually a rarity for anyone to get it right. That said, using letters as text (e.g., U as a pronoun) makes you sound like a dumbass. You could be a molecular scientist for all I care, you still sound like a dumbass. It doesn't encourage me to want to talk to you; it makes me want to run away with my hands over my ears, screaming.

13. The 'Endless Gushing About Your Hubby/Wife/Partner/Lover' Profile

Yes, yes, you're in love and you want the whole world to know just how wonderful he/she is and how happy you are. ONE profile pick is sufficient. All nine? I hate your lover already, and I never even met him/her.

14. The Stupid, Fancy, Illegible Font Profile

Always used by those with nothing to say. Always completely unreadable. Might as well leave the thing blank, except, see # 1 above.

15. The Sexual Preferences Profile (99 times out of 100 it's BDSM)

Again, a single profile pick will suffice. Otherwise it looks as though you have zero interests except that one. For instance, if I IM you, should i expect that you're going to talk about BDSM the whole effing time? On second thoughts, I don't think I'll bother.

16. The "No Drama" Profile

Look, if you’re the sort of person who has to write "no drama" in their profile, chances are you've been up to your neck in it at some point, as in, great, steaming piles of it. Chances are you've generated a fair proportion of said drama yourself by being an insensitive ass.

If i see "no drama" in someone's profile then I'm pretty certain that drama clings to them like a tic to a horse's bum. "No drama" says, "I blame everyone else for the chaos that surrounds me, even though I'm the prime cause of it."

And not forgetting the "no drama – I'm here to have fun!" variant. What this basically means is, "I'm here for sex; I don't have any feelings and I don't want to know about yours. However, I'm too scared to say it upfront in case no-one wants to have sex with me. Therefore, I'll just assume that everyone knows "fun" is a euphemism for "sex" even when it isn't, and if anyone gets hurt i'll yell "drama!" at them. Because i am only here for FUN, gottit?"

~ * ~

Friday 20 August 2010

safety in numbers

SL is such a great arena to get cyber-sexed in, and it's tempting to reap the benefits. Only please be honest about your motives! Squashy's aren't always the best but i guarantee they're open and they're out there. We don't conceal what we’re looking for; we don't disguise what we’re hoping to get. Likewise, we expect you to tell us what you're expecting from US. At the outset is preferable. Oh, it can hang in the air for a while, just until the mist clears, but don't deliberately obfuscate the issue. And don't paint a patina of altruism or even friendship where none exists. If all you're looking for is a quick "bunk up", then SAY SO. At least have the decency to give us the choice of whether or not we want that!

We've all heard about the partnered avie who uses an alt to slip around unobserved in order to have adulterous sex (Is it adultery if you're SL partnered? I assume it is). That's clearly dishonest. But there are other, more subtle forms of concealment. A bit like spraying a maggotty old windfall with laquer and calling it edible. It's still rotten on the inside!

It's funny, isn't it, how you can look at someone's av, observe them day after day and have completely the wrong idea about them. Eg, oh, there's that bloke again. The one who never has anyone to dance with. Must be a non-English speaker. Wrong and wrong.

Let's call this chap Slinky. It's close enough to his real SL name and appropriate to my purpose.

Now picture Squashy at the naturist resort, all cute and nakie and alone, whilst i busy myself moving stuff around in her shambles of an inventory. We are both thus occupied when there's an incoming message:

"Lovely avie... great profile etc, etc."

Nothing unusual about that. Some desultory conversation ensues, concluding, typically, with a complaint about the lag. This leads, as comments about lag invariably do, to Slinky asking us to "go somewhere" with him. Well we know a line when we hear one, and that old chestnut about "lag" is as old as the Grid itself. That said, we've nothing else to do and he has a private island, he says, with dance balls.

We arrive at his island which is an entire sim, possibly more. His home contains several sex beds and is large enough to house a small commune. There's a pool and a dance area and pink and blue poseballs littered about the entire island. I am impressed.

Conversation isn't great (he's not gifted in that department) so i take the opportunity to check out his groups. I notice something called "Slinky's Angels" and a warning bell tinkles in back of my brain.

"What's that group? What's it for? And who are all those women?!"

Slinky duly informs us that the group comprises 37 women from 14 different countries. They all live with him in a merry little arrangement that apparently suits all. It's a ménage á thirty-eight! Oh, well. Whatever floats the collective boat, i suppose. *Shrug*. But then it gets surreal. The island, he claims, is a SANCTUARY for these poor, beleaguered women. Slinky goes on to say that no men are allowed on the island, not even to set foot on it.

"What, no men at all?" squeaks squashy. Well, none except Slinky. It's *his* island, after all. It bears his name and everything.

"Ewwwwww", comments squashy, with that tell-tale wrinkle of the nose. I clamp my hand over her mouth and hiss at her to STFU.

But here's the thing: ALL his women are bi-sexual!

Well, that rules YOU out, i say to Squashy, giving her a quick poke. "Not necessarily", she retorts, flashing her pert little buns before running off to ensnare a new toy.

And i'm left contemplating, just how slinky is Slinky?! He's really thought this one out, hasn't he? How else to ensure an endless source of girl-on-girl action whilst getting a little something for yourself at the same time? According to Slinky, ALL 37 women have sex with him of their own volition and ALL are "hot in the sack".

I posit that some are, in fact, men. According to Slinky, this cannot be, because ALL are voice verified. What? Even the 2 week old newbs? He has a fair number of those. I wonder where he picks them up! Does he hang around in noob areas offering "sanctuary"? How revolting.

Slinky then asks which viewer i'm using and i tell him, "2.00". He points out helpfully, that, had i been using Emerald i could've cam'd to the other side of the island and observed "3 women getting it on". I unhinge a jaw-cracking yawn, make my excuses and leave.

So there you have it: How to acquire your own, personal harem. Simply purchase an island, fill it with pose-balls, call it a sanctuary for bi-sexual women and ban the entire male population from ever setting foot on it. It's your own place, you've paid for it, you can do what the heck you like with it. And if you want to be supa-generous and give the homeless, bi-sexual women of SL a place to live, it's entirely up to you, isn't it?

I don't know any of the women in his group, but i REALLY hope they're laughing their asses off at his expense. And who can say how often he actually gets "teh sex"? I only have *his* word for that and i already call BS on his worthy little enterprise.

"Sanctuary" my pixellated arse.

* ~ *

Friday 2 July 2010

So THAT'S what she gets up to after I log off

She wakes up ... opens one frozen eye ... then staggers to her feet ...



Sustained by the blood of her most recent victim, she lurches off into the night ...



Demon Nurse Dolly is thirsty!




Now showing at a cinema near you. But only if you're VERY unlucky.

Tuesday 8 June 2010

Have skirt, Will travel

There's more to Thom than meets the eye, but i'm not telling. ;-)



Well, the rather pleasing sight of Thom Yorkiv in a skirt put me in mind of a recent discovery. Want to know more? Of course you do!

So there i was, shopping for hair in one of the larger stores, and trying to get my bearings whilst struggling against stultifying lag. As i hovered gently in the air, i spotted an unlikely couple. She was the high priestess of wank something-or-other. The big, hairy oik in a loincloth glued to her side was, it transpired, one of her "love slaves". I perused their profiles and marvelled at their exotic lifestyle. It was all sex, shackles and shagging - from first profile pick to last. I was appalled and deeply envious. That is to say squashy was the envious one; I could only look on in mute disapproval.

And then i chanced to notice the state of their skins. Quelle horreur! "Old style" would be putting it mildly.

How can one possibly have sex and slaves, and i don't know what-all else, and still be wearing the same, tired skin one originally pitched up in, back in 2006?

I continue to live and learn. It would appear that realistic skins aren't a prerequisite for the 'lifestyle', particularly not for him, that great lug! [Personally, Squashy and i like our men to look as realistic as is avatarily possible, although what we like and what we end with up are two different things. This is largely Squashy's fault, of course].

Well, Squashy being how she is, she couldn't help but cam up inside his loincloth – actually more of a skirt, with slits – and her eyes all but fell out their sockets. The lack of realism ended some way below the attachment.

"So that's what he spent all his lindens on, that big eedjut!"

At this point, i'd cheerfully have dragged her away by the hair, but since the new locks had failed to rez and she was as bald as an egg i decided to let it go.

Later that day, i almost fell over a female slave crouched on the floor in a submissive and revealing pose. Yes, it was a public place, and yes, she was missing one intimate item of apparel. Call me old-fashioned, but i nearly told her to put on some knickers. Going commando is clearly an intrinsic part of what it means to be "in service". *grin*

Squashy, meantime, was all for going off and finding yet more men in skirts/loin-clothes to spy upon; that is, until i removed the camera forcibly from her sticky grasp and told her to go and do something more useful instead, like resize her head. The trollop.

***

Thursday 25 February 2010

Thoughts on SL Partnering - Part One

Plenty of people get married in SL. Plenty of others don't. For some it's the summation of their SL existence; the pinnacle of the dream. The rest of us can only shake our heads in wonderment. Or is there a little bit of envy there, too? Having observed - and listened - to Squashy at length, it would appear that the girl has opinions.

So, in a spirit of enquiry, let's examine 2 real scenarios at opposite ends of the SL 'partnering' spectrum. Names have been changed to protect the guilty!

(1) Ben is a chap who falls in love easily. That said, and to use his own words, he takes commitment seriously. Cynical as i am (and hence this post), I know that Ben is sincere.

Ben was lonely in SL. And for him there could be only one solution: to find the 'right woman' and marry her. In short order, he met a lady, fell in love and was engaged to be married. It very nearly worked out - until she shaved her head and announced that she was joining a buddhist monastery. Undaunted, Ben quickly fell in love with the ex-fiancé's best friend and, as luck would have it, she returned his feelings. Within a month they were "SL partnered" and are , as far as i know, still living in matrimonial harmony.

Squashy, I think, has a few sour grapes. She doesn't want the commitment but feels it'd be nice to be asked -- by someone at some point. I don't think it matters who! She mutters darkly about the fact that had Ben not married that particular woman then he'd have married someone else - anyone else - "sooner rather than later". According to Squashy, this is because Ben is the "marrying kind". Typically, she covers her back by suggesting that the wife is clearly a remarkable human-being with qualities more sterling than a British fifty pound note.

She's a funny girl, but I understand her point. Had Squashy met him first, he might have wanted to marry her, too. It would've been somewhat flattering, and I know how much she enjoys being flattered. Not that she'd have accepted him, of course; she's not into all that. All she really wants to do is slut around.

The point she's making is this: Are there not many, many potential soul-mates for a man like Ben? And if that's true then it makes the nauseating profile gushing (so endemic amongst SL partnered couples) a pathetic and pointless exercise. Squashy states that if she inadvertently reads any more such drivel she will barf all over our shared keyboard.

On a lighter note, it amuses both of us to imagine Ben getting down on bended knee and declaring his undying love to whomever (blue poseball, anyone?)

Don't get me wrong. Ben is a nice chap. In fact, there's nothing wrong with Ben that a bit of light-hearted playing the field wouldn't fix. Especially when said field is pixellated, and crawling with attractive avs - albeit some of them display unfashionable qualities such as wit, intelligence, personality, etc. *cough*

(2) Salter, on the other hand, is an entirely different kettle of fish (those fish, by the way, have been percolating for days and they stink).

In RL, Salter is unattractive and bitter. He's not getting any younger, and he's not getting much of anything else, either. In SL, Salter has an iron-hard body, a gigantic penis and his own hair. The effect is strikingly virile and only marginally silly. Clearly, he knows what he wants and how to go about getting it.

Salter is a serial womaniser with sociopathic traits. He rides roughshod over anyone stupid enough to fall for his lines and assumes it doesn't matter because, "it's not real, is it?" Indeed, there's no level of manipulation to which he won't stoop so long as it brings about his goal of sexual satisfaction. The places he haunts, his chosen employment (erotic dancer), the skin and shape he wears are all geared towards that end. Even his AO (animation over-rider) is chosen for effect: "I'm sooooo bad but, oh shucks, I can't help it! I'm just a loveable schmuck!".

Typically, Salter will invite you into his SL and wheedle you into 'position'. At some point, he[ll start bringing in other players. You'll know that you're being played but he'll make it seem as though you can win. (Unbeknownst to you he's doing the exact same thing with the other combatants). He'll play you off, shove you around and manipulate you into doing things his way, just to get you 'further up the board'. At which point you'll discover you were never the 'queen' you thought you were, and – checkmate! Far better to be eliminated as a pawn before you ever get that far, except you're not in a position to know that. In short, he treats SL as a game and you’d better believe he's playing to win.

When asked her opinion on the matter, Squashy flounced off, muttering something along the lines of "tiny RL dick" and, "what goes around comes around". Don't worry, I'll be having words with her later. ;-)

The irony is that with all his malignant jiggery-pokery, Salter still has a fairly rational idea of what SL is – or can be – about. He's doing what he can't get away with in Real Life. He's using his (albeit limited) imagination and he's living out his dream.

Ben, on the other hand, is running his Second Life on similar lines to his RL. I don't know for sure, but I suspect he's the marrying kind there, as well. He's not doing anything radically different. And this begs the question, is there any point? Given that you can be whomever and whatever you choose, why would you decide to make your SL the same as your RL?

I suppose the only conclusion to be drawn from all this is that everyone operates their Second Life differently. And it might or might not reflect their Real Life. Some get married; some don't. Others (like Squashy) get pissed off because the married ones have effectually removed themselves from the 'game'. And is it purely a game, or is it a whole lot more? It seems the more questions one tries to answer concerning this odd, contradictory world, the more pop up.

One thing's for certain. Squashy won't be committing herself to one person any time soon. And, if, by some remote chance, she ever does do the matrimonial thing, I promise you this: She'll be the most shameless bigamist you ever heard of. Watch this space.

End.

Under the Melon Tree

A whole weekend and no date!




Nothing to do but mope ...




And all because I had a pimple on my nose!




You know you want me. *wink*

Saturday 20 February 2010

A One Time Thing

They met through mutual friends.




He was the sulky god of Emo;




She was a trash princess from the wrong side of the tracks.




They stayed behind, long after the others had left




And watched the grey skies turn




To lurid night.




Neither spoke --




They had no need for words.




He took out his panpipes




And played and danced,




Almost, it seemed




As if his Life




Depended on it.




Perhaps it did.




The trash princess smiled kindly on the god of Emo.




And when the sun finally rose,




She gifted him




With a kiss.




~ End ~