Courtship ♥

We’ve all seen them. Anyone who's ever visited a sim where avies go to meet other avies will have encountered them at one time or another. If you're a female you’ve probably been harassed by them, too. For instance, that guy with a hair-base in lieu of hair who keeps following you around and popping up in front of you like a jack-in-the-box? A prime example. Behold the staring eyes and dangling arms of the Noob! Watch what he does next: It's as predictable as a wet weekend in November.

Forever on the look-out for free pixel-sex, he approaches a female of the species and delivers his first killer line:

"Hi".

The female of the species, an 8 foot tall stick insect, resplendent in badly fitting prims and flashing footwear, smiles back at him with the aid of her 'smile attachment'. "Hello", she whispers.

Head nodding vigorously, Noob Male presses home his advantage. "How r u?"

The female smiles and her shoes twinkle invitingly. The male's chest medallion answers with a few sparkles of its own. A beautiful friendship is born.

Shielding his eyes from the overwhelming bling, the male noob attaches something approximating the size and shape of a gigantic uncooked sausage to his groin area. It's as long as his forearm and twice as thick. The colour is a sickly, candyfloss pink and contrasts interestingly with the rest of his muddy coloured skin.

Noob Male can't help but confuse Instant Message with Local Chat, and segments of 'conversation' are broadcast to the sim at large. Expect something like: "har har, you made me hard. I c u r a hottie" (translation: "I see you are a hottie").

If you’re particularly unlucky you might even get an announcement along the lines of, "O fuk I just cum" (no translation required). The faux pas is followed by an embarrassed silence which covers the entire sim like a cloud of shame.

After 5 minutes 'courtship', Noob Male disappears. Noob Female stands around blinging loudly for a moment before she, too, disappears, having received a TP offer from Noob Male inviting her to jump on the free poseballs he’s found. These are located on one of those sims where inferior genitals are sold – the kind that promise to "make your Second Life complete". The funny thing is, they just might; it's only virtual reality, when all's said and done. Ok, so it's got the word "reality" in it, but that's qualified by the word "virtual", right? Which seems to mean, "not really" or "not quite" in certain vocabs. Or even, "can't be arsed". And that means, by extension, that one can look like an utter sack of sh*te and still get teh pixel-sex, yes?

Actually, yes. Furthermore, "Wanna sit on my cock?" IS a successful chat-up line guaranteed to work on some women some of the time. (I've seen it happen, and seen it more than once). And, ultimately, what does it matter so long as they stick to their own kind, and don't try it on with me and mine? My avie will laugh in your face and her typist is only marginally more polite. Look, we're NOT going to sit on it and that's final.


noob footwear with obligatory 'bling'

Wouldn't it be great if ALL the noobs and perma-noobs were to climb atop each other, pyramid style, and remain like that for ever and ever? Every orifice plugged, every mouth stoppered; every nasty prim attachment snug and safe and out of sight (yeuch). A kind of permanent 'art installation' thingummy on a deserted island somewhere out in the Blake Sea, at which the rest of us can point and laugh.

There's one major problem here. The world requires a constant influx of Newbs to ensure its survival, and not all newbs are the same; it only seems that way to the somewhat jaded, as I probably am. There are newbs and there are noobs, and one should make an effort to distinguish between the two. Fortunately, it's easy: A newb is a person who is new. He has the potential to become anything he chooses. A noob, on the other hand, is so eager for pixel-sex he's out there looking for it before he's learned how to dress himself. He's as obvious as he is green.

We're constantly reading in resident profiles how, "SL is SL and RL is RL and yadder yadder yadder" but in some ways the virtual world is not so different. When you meet someone for the first time, so much hangs upon your initial presentation. In the absence of a confident, charismatic personality how else are you going to be judged in the first five seconds? Yes, it's unfair -- particularly if you're shy -- but it's always been that way, in either world. With this in mind, my next post is entitled: "Advice for the Male Newb" -- 'cos, let's be honest, it's the men who need it! **laughs** Enjoy! ♥